Advice For Newborns

Congratulations, if you’re reading this then you’ve most likely been born. Give your mom a pat on the back, she did all the heavy lifting. So your cord has been snipped and they washed all the jelly off so you don’t look so alien like, what now? You’ll most likely be taken home (or left around for someone else to take home) but if you’re lucky you might get a nice set of humans to feed you and make sure you don’t fall off the countertop. Once you’ve mastered those skills pretty soon you’ll start walking and talking, and that’s when you get to start making all the fun mistakes the rest of us humans.

Kind of sucks there’s no tour guide for this whole “life” thing but lucky for you that’s where this comes in. Use this as a guide and you may turn out alright; or not, nothing’s guaranteed in life. That’s actually the first lesson.

  1. Nothing’s Guaranteed.

Blows, right? Here you are wanting something to go well and it very likely could just blow up in your face. So what do you do when you want something but you’re uncertain about how it will turn out? I mean, we all get anxious and nervous and the world doesn’t owe us anything. I suppose it would be better to stay home and never try anything, right?

Well, yeah actually. Nobody will tell you that, but if at first you don’t succeed then screw it and just take a nap or something. Sometimes it’s better than trying again and then failing a second time. Do what you want, and maybe you’re a masochist that loves trying new things knowing you’ll fail, if so then good for you. If you’re sexually satisfied from disappointment then you’ll have a great time here.

But for the rest of us sometimes it can be worth it to work through the difficult times. If you don’t succeed at something then contemplate what you could have done better, change up your strategy, and then try again. If you still don’t get what you want after the 3rd or 4th time then the universe is telling you to find something better to do with your time. It’s nothing personal.

  1. Love is an Aneurysm.

If you’re lucky you may find another human that will tolerate you for long periods of time. On Earth this is called “love”. We refer to the process as “falling” in love because – like falling on the ground – it hurts to pick yourself up afterwards. At a certain age in every person’s life they sit down with a piece of paper and scribble out “should I fall in love” with a pros and cons column underneath. The answer never matters because they’re going to anyway.

Here’s a few pointers for you: love is both in your hands, and isn’t. You can control if you’re a slobbish bore, but you can’t control if anyone stops and says “I want to mate with that human.” Just do what you can. It sucks, it’s amazing, it’s incredibly boring, and you’ll get over it. The only difference between love and hate is time, we only have a limited amount of time, so make the most of it. You’ll find something worthwhile, or maybe not (see point 1).

  1. Sometimes You’ll Do Work You Don’t Want To

Yeah it sucks, I know. But maybe it’s going to school, or a job, or cooking dinner, or talking to people, sometimes you have to put the effort into things you don’t want to. Sometimes you won’t even get a reward for doing those things. Like if you finally get out of bed one day to put away the clothes that have sat in the dryer for a week, nobody will be there to congratulate you. All they say is “good job asshole you joined the rest of the human population” and that’s okay. As long as you know the despair it took to fold those clothes, you’ll know if it’s worth to get out of bed next time.

  1. Follow the Cues

After you are dropped into existence you are expected to learn a great deal of things. Other humans will expect you know how to tie your shoes, how long to make eye contact for, how to work an excel spreadsheet, and how to use a pen. You’ll be forced to meet new people in settings that aren’t familiar to you. This can be very distressing but panicking is only a last resort, instead try following the lead of the people around you. Observe how other people dress, what conversations they enjoy and what they don’t talk about, are they smiling or crying? These are all important things to keep in mind when interacting with strangers.

Everyone is a stranger until you’ve met there parents, but for most humans you won’t be doing that. Instead just remember that no human is exactly alike another, but sometimes they’re pretty damn close. As time goes by human interaction will be like second nature for you, it’ll come as easily as remembering how to tie your shoes.

  1. Sometimes You’ll Suck at Stuff, Yeah?

There will be times when you look around and say, “Well, I’m not really good at this life stuff, am I?” And you’re probably not, but that’s okay. You’re either getting better at it or getting worse, which is fine because if you’re getting worse then you probably won’t have to worry about it for very long anyway. So just relax, take in a few deep breaths, and accept some stuff you’ll always suck at. Other stuff you won’t suck so bad at, so just do those things more often.

Then you may ask “but what if I suck at absolutely everything, what then?” Well, you’re still alive aren’t you? There were plenty of other humans that sucked at doing that, but not you. You’re still going at it. Next time you’re around other humans you can brag about how well you developed your “life” skills.

6. Sometimes You Die

Hopefully you’ve been making sure to have a good life along the way, since eventually everybody dies. But I haven’t died yet, so you’re on your own for that one.


I hoped this guide helped. If nothing else, make sure to brush your teeth, go for walks now and then, read a good book, and improvise every single thing in your life because none of us asked to be here and we’re all confused all the time. There’s no tour guide because nobody qualified for the position. You’re not alone.





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